I walk in your footsteps
The lane was tree-lined with small limes,
they already smelled even though they were not blossoming yet. The blue sky turned into purple, in those minutes for a sensitive woman a door opens into mysterious worlds.
I couldn’t hear the beat of my heart anymore, my neural cells were dancing in all their bright colors, purple, blue, green and orange, he walked just near me, we were in love, at least I was. But we were scared and didn’t touch each other.
He reached the other side of the lane and shouted
“I can’t have children anymore, you are young, you would reproach me.”
We stopped in the old city and sat to catch our breath at one of the wooden tables below the arcades.
I was shaking and drank a tea, he drank a beer, carefully took my hands, gently caressed me and said
“I’ve been single for three weeks, it would be reckless to begin a new relationship and with a woman younger than me. My families would not agree”.
In that moment he looked like he was thirty, his skin was smooth and dark, his eyes brightened with a new golden hazel color, his pupils enlarged, he was hypnotized.
I knew that his mind and senses had already started a journey with mine and I didn’t say a word.
I was hungry, no not hungry, I needed to calm down my stomach. We went up together with the lift, as we arrived on the floor he showed me his key number 225.
I slowly knocked at his door wearing pale orange silk pajamas, I wanted to appear like a ripe juicy yellow but still crunchy peach.
I love peaches, however they are and I felt like a shy prostitute.
He let me sit on his lap and embraced my belly, I felt uncomfortable.
It wasn’t about sex, but about caring and being in the world together, about not losing each other anymore.
He moved to his wardrobe, opened it, all his t-shirts were hung in a surprising order, he stripped.
“You see, even if I’m hairy, I’m not ashamed!”
We spent the night together, our bodies burned. I didn’t hear “I love you” and I didn’t say it either.
In the middle of the night having a bout of nausea, I left.
I had booked several days in a wellness center, when I got there I collapsed on my bed, my body was exhausted. As my head touched the pillow, the phone rang.
He already missed me.
We decided on an appointment at an indefinite location on the lake shore, in full light and in the middle of banality, like seagulls. He came late and wore an old torn t-shirt and had a little bouquet of thirsty country flowers in his hands
“I brought you some tea flowers.”
He listed to me all the reasons to avoid a love story between us.
He wasn’t reliable, not ready to restart again, a stretch as beer drinker had left him an eyelid lower than the other, he had a list of queing women, I was too fragile and bourgeois to accept a gypsy in my life.
To check my strength he proposed to go to his farm on the hill, at the moment his ancient families, wives and children, except the last one, were there to enjoy the country for the weekend.
I didn’t accept.
We ended up in my bed, I couldn’t abandon myself in his arms, I was scared about unsafe sex.
He said that it was, because he had a cosmic connection and he was clean.
Finally I didn’t have coffee at home and neither a moka pot, he got angry, not about the coffee. I felt I was losing him. To gain a little time which could change things I whispered in his ear
“Let’s go and have coffee at your home.”
He whispered back to me
Everything was finished, I needed to decompress and I drove three hours ‘til I was home. The phone rang in the car, but I didn’t answer. When I finally could breath again I listened to the messages
“I love you in all languages of the world”,
that I didn’t hear from his mouth anymore… Egyptian, Kurdish, Slavic, Hungarian.
He was maybe connecting with his ancestors to ask them what they thought about us.
He asked his father, who was blind. He could not see me, but I pleased him. He loved my sweet voice and my caresses on his long fingers when I touched his wedding ring and skimed his smooth cheeckbones, and he asked him back
“Does she know that you are overwhelmed with debts?”